Teen Refuses to 'Emotionally' Support Older Sister While She Figures Out Her Sexuality — Here’s Why

Mar. 15, 2025

A stock image of two women arguing.Photo:Anchiy/Getty

Anchiy/Getty

A teen is feeling conflicted about helping her sister understand her sexuality — and it dates all the way back to her own coming out.

The conflicted sibling, 18, posted on Reddit’s"Am I the A——?“forum on Friday, Dec. 13, to share her predicament, which started when she came out to her older sister, 21, five years ago.

The original poster (OP) came out to her family as a lesbian when she was 13, starting with her older sister. “I’ve always looked up to her a lot and wanted her to like me,” the OP wrote of her sibling, “but she’s always looked down on me and nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough for her.”

The sisters’ relationship has “slowly deteriorated through the years,” she continued, adding that her older sister “grew further apart from me while I still tried to cling onto her.”

When the OP came out as a lesbian years ago, her sister “was super dismissive and not at all supportive,” she wrote, adding that it not only “really stung” but also “felt like the final breaking point in our relationship.”

The OP’s sister was also unsupportive when it came to her mental health struggles, she said.

She “never supported me in that, and when it was getting really bad she actually called me crazy,” the OP wrote. And, much like the siblings’ other issues, she did not apologize, instead doubling down and insisting that she “did nothing wrong."

A stock image of two women having a serious conversation.SDI Productions/Getty

SDI Productions/Getty

Now, as her sister is struggling to understand her own sexuality, the OP has offered some help, but refuses to support her “emotionally.”

“Recently, however, she confided to me that she’s never felt real romantic or sexual attraction to anyone in her life and she didn’t know what was wrong with her, so I suggested that she could be aroace [aromantic asexual],” the OP wrote, “because I know how hard and confusing it is having to figure out your sexuality on your own.”

After some research, her sister said that label resonated and “tried to initiate a whole conversation about it,” but because of their history, the OP decided to set a hard — and seemingly harsh — boundary.

“She was starting to get all teary and venting about her experiences and stuff and I cut her off,” she wrote. “I told her I was willing to help her figure herself out because I knew what it was like, but that I wasn’t going to support her emotionally.”

Never miss a story — sign up forPEOPLE’s free daily newsletterto stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer​​, from celebrity news to compelling human-interest stories.

In one top comment, a user stated their support, but also posed a question: “Is it tit for tat, or do you genuinely not like her enough to support her?” Her decision to set a boundary, the user said, is “totally fine, but not supporting her because she didn’t support you is a little immature, whereas if your issues run deeper than that then it’s justified.”

Elaborating on her decision in another response, the OP explained that she was “willing to help my sister out with figuring out her sexuality” because of her “knowledge on queer subjects” — but that’s all she can manage.

The sisters have “barely talked for the last few years and she has friends, including queer friends, who she is closer to than me,” the OP wrote. “The aroace topic came up in passing in one of the few conversations we have so I gave my opinion in hopes that it might help her, but other than that I didn’t plan on getting involved.”

And her lack of involvement is not a tactic to make her sister feel bad, she clarified in another response. “My objective [isn’t] to hurt her, more to protect myself (even if that’s selfish of me),” she wrote. “[I’m] okay with the relationship I have with her staying as it is. We’re fine if a little distant, but that’s about as civil as things have been able to be between us.”

source: people.com